photo by Joe Momma

Maybe you’ve seen the news by now about the mathematician who tackled the National Center for Health Statistics study on Americans’ typical number of sex partners. NCHS says the median for heterosexual men is seven partners and for heterosexual women it’s four, and Dr. David Gale says bullshit.

I’m no statistician, so I’ll just link you to a couple of articles here and here that explain the mathematics. Basically what it boils down to, of course, is that men overestimate the number of their sexual partners and women underestimate it.

Duh. Male sexual braggadocio is a topic for another time, but it’s pretty common knowledge that the three things that women tend to, er, round downwards are their age, their weight and their number of sexual partners.

Here, then, is a radical act: I’m 52, I weigh around 200 lbs., and I’ve had sex with somewhere between a couple of dozen and a couple of hundred people depending on what definition of sex you use. (The study seems to count oral, vaginal and anal sex, but not bondage, spanking, fetish, fisting, sex toys, mutual masturbation, erotic roleplay… well, you get the idea. I don’t think the people who construct these studies get out much.)

Of course, when I read those articles, I thought about the wonderful women who are proud of being sexual, who talk about sex with the enthusiasm of Jackie Joyner-Kersee talking about running, who use sex as a mode of exploration and connection and self-definition. And then I thought about movies about women like that….

… and ran out of things to think about pretty darn quick. Of course, there are a lot of European movies about female sexual explorers – Almodovar has pretty much built his career around them – but US filmmakers usually portray highly sexual women as damaged or predatory or, at best, just waiting for the right man.

Thank heavens there are a few exceptions.

• She’s Gotta Have It was Spike Lee’s first movie, made for peanuts – cast members were asked to save their soda cans after meal breaks so they could be turned in for the refund. The production values are about what you’d expect given Lee’s budget and inexperience, and a lot of people discount the movie because of them. But protagonist Nola Darling (Tracy Camilla Johns) – “It’s really about control, my body, my mind. Who was going to own it? Them? Or me? I’m not a one-man woman. Bottom line” – is one of the great exemplars of female sexual agency in American film, and is also smokin’ hot, so try to catch this one if you can.

• Never has the sentence “I think I might like that” been spoken with more lubricious delight than by Clara McMillen Kinsey (Laura Linney) in the superb Kinsey. Mousy and plump – Linney gained 20 lbs. for the role on a diet of Krispy Kremes, which makes her my kind of woman – Clara goes, in the course of the movie, from fumbling virgin to sexual adventurer, while raising a family and holding the hand of her graceless, difficult, brave husband through his research and subsequent persecution. Linney’s performance is spot-on as a woman who appreciates the need for sexual pioneering, but also recognizes its consequences and wants to protect her loved ones from them.

• And, of course, there’s the fabulous Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams) in Chasing Amy, the best movie ever on the subject of American attitudes toward female sexuality. Alyssa is a classic sexual adventurer – she identifies as a lesbian because her love relationships have been with women, but she’s had sex with virtually every combination of genders using every imaginable technique and is proud of it: “Maybe you knew from early on your track was from point A to B, but unlike you I was not given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all!” When she meets and falls in love with Holden (Ben Affleck), she’s ready to settle down, but then he discovers her history and bails: he’s not so much freaked out by what she’s done as by her refusal to be ashamed of it.

I’ll conclude with a chunk of the famous monologue of Silent Bob (Kevin Smith), because I think it’s an accurate representation of the attitude of most American men, and hence most American filmmakers, toward sexually free women:

“I wasn’t disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small – like I’d lacked experience, like I’d never be on her level or never be enough for her or something…. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She’d moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So I’ve spent every day since then chasing Amy… so to speak.”

* * *

There are three things I most like to write about – food, sex and movies. Two of them don’t fit in very well with puritanical values. (If you doubt it, run a Google search combining the word “chocolate” with any of the following words: sinful, decadence, wicked. You’ll approach two million hits.)

I hate to break it to the Pat Robertsons and Dean Ornishes of the world, but sex and food are both morally neutral: they’re either good or bad depending on how well they’re executed and how mindfully they’re consumed.

So, bake these joyously and enjoy every bite.

Very Rich One-Bowl Brownies

In a microwave-safe cup or bowl, melt:

2 sticks butter

Stir together in a mixing bowl:

2 c. sugar
3/4 c. cocoa

Add the butter.
Stir in:

4 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla

And then:

1-1/4 c. flour
3/4 c. chopped walnuts or pecans

Pour into a greased 8” or 9” square baking pan. Bake in a 350-degree oven for 40-50 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean. Cool, eat, and wallow in your purity.